hmmm.... ugh....
3:33 Goth Night
Chaos is cold has a migraine and is complaining about the cold.... she is right, it is cold, her fault though.... she opened the windows. Making jokes about new boy hehe.... funny.... cough cough.... lol Chimera is listening to her, commenting about me blogging, whatever. Her headache is back.... I'm drunk still, can't type anymore without spellcheck.... I'm done.... Damn chinchillas ugh
3:33 Anger
Let me just say that Wise One's looking to get cut.... I understand sometimes, he is just trying to help, so he'll offer his perspective.... Other times, he's being a snide little fuck who deserves a good bitch slap.... I get to go to bed angry.... Thanks Wise One!
Other than that, I am missing Chimera and Chaos terribly. It's a weird day when I don't get to see either of them.
Oh it's thundering! I LOVE IT!!!
Floodgate Doors
So now I'm sitting here, at Wise One's parent's house, him on the couch opposite me, laundry swishing around in the washer machine, my hunger unfulfilled and (now) dissipating. I have no clue what kind of mood I'm in at all. I know that a part of me is frustrated, about what exactly, I'm unsure. I feel change coming, and knowing that has left this blanket of unsettlement draped over my skin. I don't like it. I want to shuck it off, but don't know how, or if I really want to. The change's that I feel, are just peeking around the corner and excite me, as well. I want them. More than that; I need them. Maybe the change is Chaos finally living in our home. And shortly after, I'll have the comfort of Chimera there also.
The one thing I do want to change, is my employment situation. Correction; unemployment situation. I'm going insane. Day after day after day after day.... Wise One thinks that I enjoy this, the time off to sit and do nothing. If after 5 and a half fucking years he doesn't realize that he's dead wrong, and that I feel like shooting myself in the eye at the end of each day just to say I accomplished something, then he never will. Idiot! Yes I hope you read this.... Continuing....Last night Chaos, Chimera, and I went to see our friend play at a nice restaurant in Glastonbury. Once we were there, we realized we didn't think of what we'd be doing once we got there. For a short period of time we sat, near the fireplace, with our thumbs up our asses. Eventually Chaos and Chimera decided to have a cocktail. I wanted to disappear, again. They are constantly good to me, and will buy a drink for me as well if they can. I hoped that they wouldn't again, and they didn't, much to my relief. I started thinking of how I couldn't even buy my own drink, or dinner for that matter. I began dwelling on it inside my head. I made it unbearable for myself for a moment, and I felt the tears being to build up. I excused myself to the bathroom and cried in the stall. I'm not going to lie, a part of me hoped that one of them would've realized, and followed me into the bathroom. I needed to cry to somebody, I haven't cried for the sake of crying and letting my emotions out in a while. I feel it building, even now as I'm sitting across from Wise One, knowing he wouldn't notice the difference between allergy sniffles and on the verge of a breakdown sniffling. I just want to cry, so badly, and not because of a movie, and most of all, not alone. Or maybe I do want to cry alone, so I can really just yell and sob and punch things and let lots of snot drip down my chin, and not care about anything else. I don't know anymore. Maybe I'm just whining. I have to go back to doing laundry. ugh"So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too."
3:33
Watching Exorcism of Emily Rose with Chimera.... Went to Tisane to have fun and celebrate Derek's birthday.... I will toot my own fucking horn and just state, I looked FUCKING HOTT tonight.... I am in a funny mood as well.... I really can't explain it, nor do I have any words. I am unsure; but of that, I am sure, I do not like the feeling. Well let me stop being rude and continue watching the scary movie.... ugh lol 'til next time
3:33
watching paranormal state with Chaos and Chimera.... full tummies, i think Chimera is asleep now tho lol
Insomnia
What is insomnia?
According to Dictionary.com:
in⋅som⋅ni⋅a
– noun: inability to obtain sufficient sleep, esp. when chronic; difficulty in falling or staying asleep; sleeplessness.
You wanna know what I think.... it's fucking bullshit! It sucks major monkey balls! I hate wanting to sleep, but being completely incapable of even getting within a glimmer of a thought of actual bona-fuckin-fied rest. I can lie in my most comfortable $3,500 bed, and stare.... at the ceiling.... for hours.... and sleep is no where in my reach. Yes, the expensive bed doesn't make me fall asleep like it used to. I fell asleep on it in the showroom though, true story, i'll post the pic sometime in the near future. I digress.... The kicker to me is, when I see the sun rising, my eyelids start to fall. WHY!?! The torture that insomnia is, is.... I don't even have words. BUT.... I can get 0-5 hours of rest, and still be just as, if not more, chipper than that mother fucker standing across from me with a shit eating grin on his face, feeding me some bullshit like, "Good morning!" Good morning, what the fuck is a good morning? Oh wait, is that like when I wake up to my cock being sucked *(by someone really, REALLY good)? Along with a tray of fresh french pressed coffee, an orange-cranberry scone with clotted cream, and a clove to wash it all down with (of course). Even if that was my exact morning, with or without sleep, I still wouldn't feed someone some bullshit like, "Good morning!" I would enjoy my afterglow in contemplative silence, as usual. I think I digressed again, but ehh, whatever.... I gotta wait for Chimera to call me on his way into work, so I can make sure he makes it there and doesn't fall asleep.
*I feel that this should go without saying.... but I said it anyway....
Another 3:33
so i am sitting here eating banana bread smothered with butter, toasted and then slathered with melted peanut butter.... i like this
oh, and i forgot to mention the tall glass of milk that i placed in the freezer for 10 minutes before i sat to enjoy this deliciousness.... YAY!
Monotony
Lately in the morning, just before I wake up, I start to feel the dread of starting my day. Another monotonous day, that in many ways feels like the last day. Kinda like that awful movie Groundhog Day. I want things to change, I can't stand sitting inside accomplishing nothing. I feel sometimes like I'm only 'doing' things when I'm with Chaos and Chimera. I sometimes wonder if I'm living through them, and then I think of who I am, and then realize that is not possible.... tbc
Then there's three
I won't name myself....
They have made their name's for me.
I'll call myself, I.
She's a part of me.
She knows I'm forever hers.
She is, my Chaos.
All of his noises,
And many faces he wears....
Chimera. He's mine.
